


Traitorous

by magicalzombiebear



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, I cried writing this, M/M, Unhappy Ending, fluffy for a second, reeeealllly angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-09
Updated: 2016-01-09
Packaged: 2018-05-12 18:09:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5675596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magicalzombiebear/pseuds/magicalzombiebear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not just Finn's actions but his thoughts that are traitorous.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Traitorous

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't hate me for this, but all I do is write fluff so I decided to take a slightly darker turn.

Recovery was easy.

It was pushing himself only as far as he could go, and maybe a bit farther so that the next day, ‘a bit farther’ _was_ as far as he could go. It was having a medidroid tell him exactly what needed to be achieved and exactly how long it should take. It was having a structured plan, and although it pained Finn to admit, he kind of liked structure.

But when Poe Dameron insisted on busting him out or sneaking him old magazines or articles to read in his spare time, Finn couldn’t argue with the man. He liked his little world inside the medbay very much, but he liked Poe Dameron even more. And so he went along with his schemes and smiled wider than he ever had. Poe was wild and untamed in the best way, the safest way. Finn found himself falling in love with his hero faster than when Rey had dropped the Falcon out of the sky. Finn didn’t protest the sensation, though the small part of his mind still in sync with the First Order screamed at him to stop feeling things he hadn’t been allowed to feel.

After weeks of spending all his free time with Poe, accepting his offer to bunk with him felt natural. They grinned widely at each other as they unpacked Finn’s paltry bag of possessions and just sat for an hour, talking and smiling and _being_. But then that small part of Finn’s mind said, _‘This is wrong. You are wrong.’_ He knew that logically those thoughts were just a result of a life spent in captivity. His brain just had to let go of those ideas, to accept the life he was now given. It would be best, however, not to tell Poe about those thoughts. Finn didn’t want Poe thinking he was untrustworthy, maybe even still working for the Order.

Every day was a struggle.

Finn would push down the voice in his head and do his best to look at Poe without thinking _‘wrong’_ or _‘bad’_. But the more Finn pushed these thoughts down, the more they took hold of his mind. Days spent laughing with Poe turned to days spent avoiding him. His mind, which had been hollow his whole life, was now chock-full with truths and lies and _possibles_ that made his brain feel as though it were being torn apart. Was this being a part of the Resistance, or was it just being human? There were days that Finn felt like going back to the Order might relieve him of the pain, might make him blissfully unaware of the horrible things he was now privy to.

Poe, of course, confronted Finn.

“You just…are you avoiding me?” He seemed a bit hurt which made Finn’s heart constrict. He had not intended to hurt Poe.

“I…I don’t want to lie to you. But it’s not because I don’t like you, I promise.”

He watched the older man consider the words. He held his breath as he sat next to Finn, searching his eyes to ensure that the action was ok. Most days Finn would construe the silent question as considerate, but for some reason today it just felt like he was a bomb liable to explode.

“What’s going on then? I can’t help you if you don’t tell me.” Finn took in a shuddering breath because his throat was suddenly very tight. It usually got that way when he thought of the First Order or the way Poe was now tainted in his mind’s eye.

“I have these terrible thoughts. Like the First Order is still inside my brain. And every time…” Finn couldn’t go on, there was no way. Poe’s eyes were hardened and unwavering, and Finn abruptly stood up.

“Nevermind, I can’t.” I can’t say this with you looking at me like I’m a puzzle that needs solving.

“Finn, please!” It was pleading. Finn hated the way the tears began to well in Poe’s eyes. It was as if Finn was hurting Poe just by existing, and he couldn’t have that on his shoulders.

“I’m so sorry.”

And Finn left the room, went straight to General Organa to request new living arrangements.

It wasn’t until he lay in a cold room with someone he didn’t know very well, with his blaster less than a foot away, that the small voice in Finn’s head said, _‘This is good. You are good.’_

But now that that small part of his mind was sated, another part of his brain piped up, dusty with cobwebs from underuse, rasping out, _‘This isn’t the right thing to do.’_

Somehow nothing Finn did ever was.


End file.
